Today, we check in with some (made-up) thoughts from the 1975 Hostess card of new Hall of Famer Ted Simmons on his 72nd birthday.
Here, have a gander:
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Now, what do you think young Simba is thinking there?
Here are a few potential thought bubbles we might attribute to that classic confectionary cardboard, were we so inclined to such make-believe …
I’m kind of a big deal around here.
You got something to say about that?
Hey, look — I’m a catcher …
… and I’m standing here with a bat on my left shoulder …
… with my left hand on top.
So … I’m a lefty catcher — or am I fooling you?
Both — righty behind the plate, switch hitter at the plate. Ha!
You like my long hair, don’t you. Even though you complain about it to your group — “Hippie!” you tell your friends.
But when the evening sun at the ballpark burns your balding scalp … and when you gaze at your fading hairline in the mirror at night? Yeah, you envy my simple, though still extravagant, coif.
I drove in over 100 runs last year and made my third All-Star Game. And I’m just 25 this year.
Yeah, this year will be even better. And there are better better ones ahead. Count on it.
I’m the future.
What do you have going on?
I’ll still be doing this in a decade. Maybe even 15 years.
And, as God is my witness, I’m going to play in a World Series in St. Louis.
Even if I have to be a Wallbanger to do it.
You may forget about me, but I’ll sneak up on you in the end.
Someday, you’ll look up from your phone, pull down your mask, and drop your jaw when you realize I’m headed for Cooperstown.
Someday, I’ll get my due.
Today, that ‘75 Hostess hardly ever comes up for sale in graded form, with PSA listing just two sales in their registry: $34 for a PSA 9 copy and $172 for a PSA 10 copy, both in 2017.
You can occasionally find raw copies of the card, usually in pretty rough shape, with single-digit prices the norm.
Indeed …
As Simmons prepares to get that due (HOF induction is on September 8), his cocky-looking 1975 Hostess card is a relic of the past, but a fitting reminder that you never really know what the future holds or what sort of fire burns in a young man’s belly.
(You can also read this article on Wax Pack Gods.)